This is a complicated one. Me and my boyfriend were together for five years, when we met he was everything i had ever wanted. We had our problems, he forgot our anniversary twice after promising never too again after the first time, he once chose to go for a workout instead of having sex with me even though we hadn't had any private time for a while, and I always felt that i wasn't his first priority. A family home came up for sale and it was pushed on us that we should move in together, we went along with the motions but when it came to it I couldn't go through with it, I knew something was wrong so we broke up. He asked once if we could try to make it work and that was it. In the time apart we stayed in touch, he got another girlfriend within 4 weeks of us separating and I was devastated, it felt like my intuition was right and our time together had never meant anything to him. The biggest blow came when he invited me out with his friends, I thought it was sign he still wanted me, then a week later when his girlfriend was back in town he told me to stay away. I was always telling him how much I loved him and wondered why it had all happened. I was always waiting for some gesture to show he loved me and wanted me back. I got stuck 40 miles from home and he came to help me out, I thought that was the sign but he stayed with his new girlfriend. He has since said it was he was afraid I would hurt him again.
Whilst we were apart my boss started coming onto me, I was so down i accepted his advances and we had sex a few times, that was it just sex.
Me and my boyfriend decided to give a go again, it took alot of time but eventually we started to work things out and we moved into the house we were meant to. It was perfect being back together, it was everything I'd dreamed our relationship could be, he is my soulmate, the only person I'd ever loved. I always had a doubt however that if I hadn't pushed we wouldnt have been back together he would have just walked away. My boss knew I was in a relationship yet he would continue to flirt with me. I just brushed it off. Everything died down and I was relieved. Then it started again, he kissed me a couple of times and I just pretended it hadn't happened, it was easier that way, then one day I caved and had sex. It lasted a minute and was mechanical. Whilst it was happening I was screaming in my head to stop it but I was afraid of what I would look like in my bosses eyes, which seems ridiculous now. I had to tell my boyfriend, there was no way I could lie to him. It was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. He forgave me instantly, which I never imagined. He has been amazing about it. However i have been killing myself for 2 months, crying everyday, feeling guilt consume me, crying sometimes uncontrollably on the floor. I never thought I was this type of person or this would happen to us as a couple. Eventually the guilt is going, but now im petrified this means somehow that I don't really love him, you're not meant to do this to people you love are you? This has only come over me in the last 24 hours, before that i was thinking about marriage and children with him. Im also scared that it will never be truly special again because I will always have this regret inside me. I have a problem of letting go and moving on, that's why it took us so long to try and work things out again the first time round, I feel like if I move on and am happy, I am pretending that nothings happened and you should deal with things all the time.
The worst thing is I am still stuck in the job, I can't escape so for 8 hours a day I reminded of what has happened. My mum says it will be better when I have left.
Please help me.